Victor Bloom MD
If the secret gets out that you are some kind of 'expert,' chances are someone is going to try to pick your brain. That is what happened to me last night at Midway airport in Chicago. I had some time before the plane boarded so I went to see if I could get a shoe shine. There were two chairs so I was motioned to take the other one while the shoe shine man was finishing up another customer. He was doing a nice job and the three of us got to talking about jobs and business and how to get ahead in this world.
The other man said there's no job security these days, no more working for the same company all your life and getting a retirement pension. You have to go from one job to another and be adaptive. I responded that life was easier if you are your own boss. So far I haven't fired me or let me go. He thought that was commendable, if you could work it--- be your own boss, have your own business. He asked what I did for a living and I said I was a psychiatrist. Somehow that little piece of information gets people to pause and take a deep breath.
He was off the chair when his shoes were done and I craned my neck to see how much the shoe shine cost. He gave the man five dollars. Not bad for ten minutes work. I thought he went to his gate. Then the shoe shine man did a number on my shoes, giving it the best shine it had for many a year. I asked how much it cost and he said, three dollars. I gave him a five dollar bill and told him to keep the change. Since I am against higher taxes I give larger tips. This way distributing the wealth is more up close and personal.
The other man was waiting for me when I got down from the chair. He apologized for asking questions of a professional nature, but seeing that I was in no hurry, he hastened to tell me of his personal concern, which makes for a very awkward situation. I wanted to put the troubled man at ease and so I listened intently, and he told his story. He was concerned about his son. His son is 31 and married with 2 children to a "wealthy woman." This son always had good grades and high ACT scores, but dropped out of college and was now working in a grocery store. The father hastened to add that his son was a wonderful father and house-husband. From the sound of it, the son was happy, but not the father. The father thought he could do better than work in a grocery store.
That's not a lot of information to go on and the airport crowds were a distraction, but I wanted to do the best analysis possible in this unusual and brief situation. I had heard that story many times before. A parent is concerned that an offspring is not a success, which usually means a business or profession. Somehow, somebody being a good person, spouse, father, house-husband isn't enough. He thought the young man was happy, but unfulfilled, an under-achiever.
This man was a salesman, reminding me of Willie Loman in Arthur Miller's "Death of a Salesman." Willy was a failure, but sought hope, self-esteem and vicarious success by his son's being successful in business. Willie was oblivious of the son's reality and only related to his own deep needs. And so there was no real relationship between father and son. Of course I didn't mention Willy Loman to the man, but I tried to help him understand by telling him there were a number of possible explanations for his son not being a success in business or a profession. So he worked in a grocery store. What was wrong with that?
So maybe there is nothing wrong except the ambition of the father, the need to feel he had succeeded in bringing his son up right, which meant superficial success. If the son actually had a life success of a happy marriage and healthy children, that might be a deep source of gratification and fulfillment. Only in the father's mind he was not up to snuff, he didn't have 'fire-in-the-belly' or 'get-up-and-go.' The 'kid' might be perfectly normal and the father is bent out of shape for nothing. (It's never 'nothing')
Or another possibility is that the son is underachieving, that he is capable of work on a higher plane, of effort more rewarding, and for some reason is holding back. Is he holding back consciously? Maybe. Could it be unresolved conflicts in the unconscious? Maybe. If that is the case, psychotherapy might help in bringing these to the surface and working through them. Not around them, but through them.
Yet another possibility is neurochemical imbalance. As a result of neurochemical imbalance, some people are overly stressed by complex and competitive situations, even tense when having to deal with people because of the complexities of interpersonal business relationships. Because of this distress, they are relatively withdrawn, avoiding any situation which seems overwhelming. There is a great limitation to the capacity to cope and adapt, and so the person tends to be solitary, trying to hide the feeling of inadequacy, and the envy of people who seem to be functioning at a high level.
Rather than emplore his son to go back to school and fulfill his potential, the father would be better off to recommend a psychiatric evaluation, to see which of the three possibilities apply. The psychiatrist could be a help if there is a need for psychotherapy or medication, but in any case, a thorough evaluation would better define the problem, if there is a problem at all.
Dr Bloom is Clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry, Wayne State University School of Medicine. He is a member of the American Academy of Psychoanalysis and on the editorial board of the Wayne County Medical Society. He welcomes comments at his email address--- vbloom@comcast.net.